Its been five days I've been plaqued by stomach discomfort.
Ok, discomfort is a gross understatement. Sumtimes I wreathed in agony from it. I've made two trips to ED to be diagnosed. On the second time the doc wanted me to be admitted, but I flatly refuse. I simply cannot afford to miss any of my classes. Four days school and six day job. I realized that I'm indeed hard up for time... and money. Thank God for my bike, @ least im able to cut down on my travellin time.
Here I am, still with the occasional stomach discomfort. At least the pain is more manageble now. But I'm worried tht my constant stomach pain is a precursor to sumthing greater. God only knws, all I can do is hope for the best n prepare with lotsa painkillers. Again. Pill poppin shah. I thought I've stopped that unhealthy habit. All I'm waiting rite now is the appointment with the GS.
As always... i feel the need to blog, but do not know where to begin. My mind whirlin and alternatin with thoughts of skool, werk, family and personal life. Raya fast approachin, and as always, I find myself always lookin back at the life tht I once had n left behind.
Its not tht Im obsessed with it. I do not wish to forget the ppl tht once touched my life, to compare myself then n now. Its like readin a werk of literature, its meanings n moral behind the story changed everytime its being read, Its like I am tryin to find tht one little detail tht I could hav missed, or to solve tht question mark tht I wasnt able to solve or find answers to back then.
Remember Mr Crayon? Remember Shah DarKSidE?
Pseudo Shah. Or so you thought. I am not a bad guy. Shah is a bad person with a good heart. I used to debate... am I a victim of circumstance? Or am I merely shaped by always choosin the easy way out?
Biology, Anatomy, Chemistry & Maths, not the epitome of my mental & academic strengths. Maths n chems are definately my archille's heel. Biology and Anatomy are still an enigma to me. Might be a potential Krytonite. Periodic tables are my readin materials now, Aufbau's and Pauli's my principle and Hund's Rule in my chemist. Full Metal Alchemist anyone?
So the past a constant trail behind me, like a drenched man leavin wet footsteps behind. Sum of the footsteps will fade and disappear, while others might leave an impression behind. What kind of impression will I be, I do not know. Shah rarely leaves behind favorable impression.
I have a dream. I will always remember tht opening speech. It was sumthing tht I nursed within the confines of my heart. Sumthing that kept me goin, it is sumtimes, also sumthing, tht ultimately make me forsake almost everything.
The future, once so dark and cold, I can now glimpse with the tiniest flicker of hope. It is not a road lined with flowers and sweets. It is full of jagged terrain, full of twist n turns, hidden descents and treacherous cliffs. Let it be tht way. I do not wish to delude myself it is anything but easy.
We all have our own stories to tell. Hopes, fears and dreams. Love and friendship. Adversities to overcome, tears to be shed, happiness to be shared and felt. There are also those who have left the livin, once, played significant lives at one point of our lives or another.
That is what I always believe. Friends who are now strangers, and strangers who becum friends. Sum left a lastin impression on me. Like I always say, we all hav our own path to tread. Change is only constant. Perhaps they have closed the chapter on me, scribbled The End, discarded the book sumwhere and forgotten abt it. I too hav tht book, but I merely closed it... and will open it again frm time to time. It is not sumthing that I wish to forget, but rather, not only to remind myself of its story, but also, to see if my perception remains the same. Wisdom and intelligence is similiar, but different too. Ppl change, yes, so does everything else.
I am being delightfully vague and cryptic here. A test of perception perhaps, like between a glass half full and half empty. Perhaps I am merely coverin for my own lies, or to hide the truth. Regret is sumthing that I hav in surplus. I hav built a foundation of lies. Wall of denial mortared with determination to set things rite. I painted it with hope, and decorated it with faith. There is no roof yet, for it is far from complete. How long will it take to complete? Perhaps a lifetime's worth. And I started on one the hardest thing of all... forgiving myself.
Thank you Maya, for giving me the most important thing of all.
"Put to rest, what you thought of me,
I've cleaned this slate, with the hands of uncertainty,
So let mercy come, and wash away,
What I've Done"
